A very long weekend

UZ Pellenberg, June 2020

Sunday evening, 9:00 PM, back in my room at Pellenberg, after a long weekend at home.

This has been a difficult weekend.
Here in the rehabilitation centre, most things are decided for me, and that makes sense: What time do I eat? What do I want to eat? At what time do I have to be in the physio room? Or with the psychologist? Where should I be on Wednesday at 3:00 PM?

I have very little input into these questions, and it can hardly be otherwise: if all the patients were allowed to compile their own menu and timetable, it wouldn’t work for long.

At the weekend, of course, things are different: I am at home; I sleep in my own bed, sit in my own chair and eat at my own table. And then, you would think, I can make my own decisions independently.
But nothing could be further from the truth. And rightly so, too.
“Shall I come with you to the shops?” A simple question, it seems, but in practice, “going to the shops” is a job that requires a lot of effort and preparation, and not just by me.

If I want to come along, someone has to help me and keep an eye on me. Someone who sees well, who has enough time, and who does not mind literally leading me by the hand. Someone who tells me when we come to a curb, otherwise I trip over it.

Not to mention how helpless I am when we finally get to the shops, which doesn’t make for efficient shopping, of course.
And shopping is just one example. When everyone comes home for the weekend our house becomes a hellish place. I’ve always loved the energy and life of it all, but I can’t seem to enjoy it now.
On the contrary, I would rather escape, but our house is just too small for that.

Then maybe I should just go and find some peace in the forest, which starts 50 metres from our front door? But no, that’s not possible either, because everybody would be worried if they knew I’d gone into the forest on my own…
Even the smallest spontaneous decisions are very difficult to put into practice.
I exaggerate a little, I know that. But less than you might think. When all is said and done I have lost a large part of my freedom, and I can’t help but wonder if I will ever really get it back again.

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